One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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