Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
