hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
