Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
