sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
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