The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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