he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
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