My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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