When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
