I'm sorry my penis didn't work
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
