how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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