I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
why is half of my head shaved?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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