Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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