yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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