I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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