Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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