Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
