this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
