she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize