im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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