i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
