i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
