dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
