tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
