im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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