i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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