I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
