I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
