FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
