I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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