Screwed.edu
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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