I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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