i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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