His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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