If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I will die if light touches me.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
try to milk me bitch
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