and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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