my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
