Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
