I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
