yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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