Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
