Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
