I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
