in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
