is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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