So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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