So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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