tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
