my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
