Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
