Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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