Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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