When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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