Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
