how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
