whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
