You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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